The leadership cost of being the one everyone “checks with” first
When something subtle but significant has happened
Some senior leaders get stopped in their tracks when they suddenly realise people don’t just ask for their input, seek them out for their advice, or value their judgment. People have started to check with them first before they move on anything. Before they:
Make a decision
Commit to a direction
Escalate an issue
Communicate something sensitive
Take a risk
This sounds like trust, influence, and respect. And it is, but it’s also something else
It’s a form of organisational dependency that quietly shapes your workload, your emotional labour, your decision making bandwidth, and your leadership identity
When you become the person everyone checks with first, your stop being just a leader. You become the organisation’s informal governance layer. And that comes with a cost
The pattern: you become the informal gatekeeper
This doesn’t happen overnight. It happens through the accumulation of small and repeated moments:
A peer asks, “does this look right to you?”
A team member says, “before I send this, can you take a quick look?”
A leader asks, “what’s your read on this situation?”
A stakeholder says, “I just want to make sure we’re aligned”
Someone messages you, “can I run something past you?
Another says, “I want to check if this will land well”
Individually, these moments feel harmless. But collectively, they signal something deeper
You’ve become the person people rely on to validate their thinking, sense check their decisions, and pre-empt organisational risk with
You’re not just a leader. You’re the first call. And once that pattern forms, it rarely reverses on its own
Why product and transformation leaders become the “check with” person
Your role sits at the intersection of strategy, delivery, technology, customer, operations, risk, politics, and more. You:
See the whole system
Understand the interdependencies
Can anticipate the downstream impact
Can see the emotional dynamics
Can read the organisational temperature
Can spot the risks others miss
Can translate between functions that don’t speak the same language
That makes you invaluable. It also makes you the person check with first because you’re the one who can:
See the implications
Predict the reactions
Understand the constraints
Navigate the politics
Reframe the problems
Clarify the decisions
Reduce the risks
This is competence. This is capability. This is leadership. But it’s also how you become the organisation’s informal quality control system
The emotional cost: you carry the weight of everyone else’s uncertainty
When you’re the person everyone checks with first, you start to carry things that don’t belong to you. You carry:
Other people’s hesitation
Other people’s fear of making the wrong call
Other people’s lack of clarity
Other people’s avoidance of conflict
Other people’s discomfort with ambiguity
Other people’s desire for reassurance
Other people’s need for validation
This is emotional labour. Invisible, unmeasured, and unacknowledged. And because you’re good at it, the organisation keeps giving you more. You become the emotional buffer between:
What people want to say and what they’re afraid to say
What they think and what they’re unsure about
What they intend and what they worry might land badly
What they decide and what they fear might go wrong
You’re not just checking their work. You’re holding their anxiety and that takes a toll
The identity cost: you become the validator, not the visionary
When people consistently check with you first, your leadership identity starts to shift. You become known for:
Judgment
Clarity
Risk awareness
Emotional steadiness
System thinking
Decision quality
These are strengths, but they can also become constraints
They position you as the person who validates decisions, not the person who shapes them
You become the safety net, the sense checker, the advisor, and the stabiliser. But not the architect, the strategist, or the visionary
Your leadership becomes defined by what you prevent, not what you create. And that limits your perceived range
The opportunity cost: you lose time, altitude, and strategic capacity
When you’re the person everyone checks with first, you lose access to:
Deep thinking time
Strategic altitude
Creative bandwidth
High impact opportunities
Enterprise level conversations
Work that stretches your range
Space to shape the future instead of validating the present
You’re so busy reviewing, advising, sense checking, and stabilising that you don’t have the capacity to operate at the level you’re actually capable of
You’re contributing at a high level, but not being positioned at a high level because your time is consumed by the organisation’s uncertainty
How high impact leaders break the “check with me first” pattern
They stop responding instantly
Urgency reinforces dependency. You create space by slowing the reflex. You respond when you choose to, not when the message arrives
They return ownership with clarity, not correction
Instead of giving the answer, you ask:
“What’s your recommendation?”
“What decision are you leaning towards?”
“What’s your read on the situation?”
“What outcome are you optimising for?”
You shift the responsibility back to where it belongs
They set boundaries without withdrawing support
You say:
“I can help you think it through, but the decision sits with you”
“I’ll review this once you’ve made your call”
“I trust your judgment. What do you want to do?”
You support without absorbing
They elevate the conversation instead of validating the decision
You bring altitude, not answers. You say:
“Here’s the pattern I’m seeing”
“Here’s the enterprise level implication”
“Here’s the decision architecture we need”
You lead strategically, not operationally
They reposition themselves as a partner, not a checkpoint
You shift from:
Validator to collaborator
Gatekeeper to strategist
Sense checker to co-creator
First call to thought partner
This is the identity shift that unlocks your next level
If you’re the one everyone checks with first, you’re not controlling. You’re over relied upon
This moment isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. A sign that:
Your judgment is trusted
Your instincts are strong
Your leadership is mature
But it’s also a sign that you’re ready to lead with more altitude, not more validation
You don’t need to stop being the person people trust. You just need to stop being the person they check with first
If you want to lead with clarity, influence, and strategic range without becoming the organisation’s informal governance layer, then let’s work on this together. Here are three ways:
Influencing for Impact: This practical 2-day workshop is for you if you want to influence a decision maker, influence a change in customer or colleague behaviour, or influence someone to buy something from you
Executive and Leadership Team Coaching: Work directly with Lai-Ling to problem solve for your specific situation in a confidential setting. This is for you if you want to develop and execute on a game plan that is 100% tailored to you
Leadership Development: Invest in the product and transformation leaders in your company with leadership development that is customised for their role. This is for you if you want your people to learn about people and politics